On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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