Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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