The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
