I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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