walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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