you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
