Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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