this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
