drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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