i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
