Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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