I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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