im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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