can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
