I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
