3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
