I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
