i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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