She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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