Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize