did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
