end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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