The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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