He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
