Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
