Are we in a gay sports bar?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
