Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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