I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
