I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The air was thick with penises
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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