I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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