put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
