i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
