I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
