My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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