If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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