Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
