i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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