im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
