So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
