No stitches, just platelets and will power
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
