u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
