someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Little spoons don't ask big questions
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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