Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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