Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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