Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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