I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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