I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize