If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
