She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
