discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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