no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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