Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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