And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
