I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
