you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
