Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
