wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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