my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
