I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
my poor anus
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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