I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
