Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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